“Emotional invalidation is when a person’s thoughts and feelings are rejected, ignored, or judged. Invalidation is emotionally upsetting for anyone, but particularly hurtful for someone who is emotionally sensitive. Invalidation disrupts relationships and creates emotional distance. When people invalidate themselves, they create alienation from the self and make building their identity very challenging.” (Hall 2012)
I’ve written previously about validating resistance and the importance of taking time to listen to colleagues with differing viewpoints. All too often, in the busy world of leadership, it’s easier to use personal experience to inform, connect, and make decisions, rather than take the time to unpack challenges thoroughly. But, what if the personal experience is at odds with the emotions being displayed by a colleague? What if they’re reacting to something in a way you wouldn’t because you have a much different experience? There were many times throughout my teaching career in schools where I was called upon to support a colleague. Often, displays of emotion were heightened and irrational thinking had taken over as the cortisol levels rose, forcing my colleague into a stress response. In this situation, a good leader could be said to be one that listens, analyses, and offers support in order to move the colleague forward. However, I wonder how many times leaders have found themselves in the position where they are judging a colleague’s reaction to a situation, rather than stepping back in order to connect and problem solve collaboratively. Here’s a scenario:
Teacher A (a Beginning Teacher) is upset about the behaviour of the students she teaches. There has been a notable decline since the beginning of the week, due to lack of outdoor time and disruption of the calendar because of inclement weather. Her students are making choices that seem to show they do not value the learning or the learning environment. Teacher A is visibly upset and harbouring a growing feeling of failure. She turns to Teacher B (a senior teacher with many years’ experience) for support.
Pause and take a moment to ask, what you would do in this situation. How can you reassure your colleague without over-sheltering her from some of the hard truths she has yet to learn? As an experienced professional, it certainly crossed my mind that it was not something that Teacher A needed to be or should have been particularly upset about. It is common for student behaviour to decline when outdoor time is limited. One of the first expressions I found myself thinking was, ‘stir-crazy.’ But is that okay? Is it right for me to dismiss the feeling of my colleague because she is disappointed in the choices being made by her students, when my experience tells me it’s common? Of course not. Whether I, as a leader, would be upset by the same scenario is not particularly relevant. The fact remains, she is, and has turned to me for support — not to be told it’s ‘one of those things’ and to ‘brush it off.’ Furthermore, other issues the teacher may be experiencing are not being taken into account. For example, it’s the middle of the second term and she is a Beginning Teacher in her first year at a new school. She has also just finished writing reports for the first time in her career, and feels like she has had to rewrite them all after peer review. Everything is new, each inquiry, each topic, each success and failure. She is well within her rights to be utterly overwhelmed.
Although we choose to lead in different ways and by using different leadership models to inform our practice, there are many simple strategies we can draw from.
Listen — Let them vent and let them speak freely. Sometimes our colleagues just need to let off steam and share their frustration. Offer nothing but your thanks for their honesty.
Ask yourself what they are saying and whether it’s what has really upset them — Often, we begin to share our frustration with a situation, but it is merely the ‘straw that broke the camel’s back’, masking several other issues that, given time, may rise to the surface.
Do not invalidate — You may have been through a similar experience and survived, but dismissing their emotions as unnecessary, or, offering an ‘it’ll-be-fine’ response could be detrimental to the moving forward process.
Wait — Do they need you to actively help them in this situation or simply listen? Instead of leading in with, ‘Well, this is what I’d do…’ ask ‘Would you like some advice or help with this?’ Allow them to make the decision to take the next stage of help.
Phrases like, ‘In my experience,’ and, ‘Well, I would do it like this,’ are sometimes fantastic in helping a colleague or friend move forward. But just how easily we forget we were there once, too. For some, it was many years ago; for others just a couple, but all of us have felt the overwhelming feelings associated with unfamiliar experiences in a high-stress environment. Pause, listen, validate, and wait…
References and Further Reading
Hall, Karyn. “Understanding Invalidation”. Psych Central.com. N.p., 2012. Web source.
Image sources:
- Discussion: From Pixabay.com CC0 Public Domain
- Children walking together: From Pixabay.com CC0 Public Domain
James Hopkins
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Enjoyed your blog post James :-)
A good reminder for us all re being non-judgemental and really listening.
Cheers
Hi Kathe, thanks for taking the time to share your thinking. I wrote this after a real life situation and really enjoyed unpacking it afterwards. It became apparent that in our busy roles, especially when problem solving, we focus on our reply rather than on the conversation. So often I found myself not doing the most important thing- listening! Joan Dalton’s learning talk will remain one of the most life changing experiences I’ve ever been fortunate to be part of…
I have to wrestle with my default setting of trying to problem solve all the time.
My pet hate (among many- TIA as one prominent example too often used ) is having to listen to those who draw breath to tell me what I or we should be doing before the questioner has even put the full stop.
Kia ora James thanks for this a great reminder as we move into new ways of working. Invalidation applies in many ways and often we are not even aware that we are doing it. Easy read – made for sharing! Ngā mihi
Nicely put James. Simple but a good reminder to listen before we leap in…
I was wondering about Learning Talk as I read so was interested to see you mention it in your reply to a comment. Would this be good to add to the further reading? :)
So, once a child (or children posing as adults) learns: there are rules to live by; 2+2 = 4; fire burns; drugs are stupid; unprotected sex is stupid; speed limits exist; boys are male and girls are female; boys and girls each have their own restrooms; stealing is wrong; lying is wrong; smoking anything is bad for you; fighting and biting is wrong; money doesn’t grow on trees; graffiti isn’t art; killing is wrong there is a God… how do you “validate” “feelings” that these things are somehow ok? These ” thoughts and feelings” should be ‘rejected, ignored, AND judged.’ Emotionally sensitive? Are you kidding me? How about teaching how to be less emotionally sensitive and MORE TOUGH? There is absolutely nothing “wrong” with correcting “thinking”. If they’re wrong, their wrong. Without course corrections, a person’s path is often askew, sometimes irreparable.
Kia ora Harley,
Many thanks for taking the time to comment on this post. Although I agree that certain life-lessons need to be learned and that society suggests we are able to judge them without fear of reprieve, the post was focused on the decisions being made when clouded by inexperience in a professional context. It is often the heightened emotion associated with inexperience that we need to remain mindful of. As leaders, our role is to facilitate the finding of rational reasoning in order to work through a situation, rather than fix the problem for them. In the context of wider life, of course there will be those that make ‘poor’ decisions that could adversely affect their future and in those situations we must intervene. However, in my humble opinion, from professional to professional we need to take a step back and allow a peer to find their own path, coaxing using our experience. This enables us to maintain sensitivity to their whakapapa and development of their ringa rehe as they progress within their career. Different is not necessarily wrong, just different.
nga mihi
James